You’s Christmas MedleyDate: Sun, Dec 24, 1995 12:21 AM EDT Posted on: America Online (using MAC) I didn't have much time to get ready for Christmas, so I just slapped together a bunch of random seasonal garbage at the last moment. It starts off with an old Christmas card I sent out a couple years back. Enjoy and/or throw out this stuff at your leisure and Happy Holidays! --Greg ---------- I wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and I just couldn't stand the thought of adding to the world another version of 'Twas The Night Before Christmas. So please mumble this ditty to the tune of The Star-Spangled banner as you roast your chestnuts. Oh my God Christmas Eve?! Whose gift has no name tag? And the kids are screaming Oh say you didn't charge that thing --------------------------------- Have a great Christmas/whatever everyone--and in optimistic pessimism I hope next year goes better for you than last year did. Yes, this was sent out in lieu of a real Christmas Card, Greg PS I was in a rush when I sent this out. If you know anyone who should have received this but didn't, please forward this mail along with my most sincere apologies. If you're one of those people I forgot, please don't be offended and think that I deliberately excluded you, it's just that I didn't have a strong enough impression of you not to be sure to avoid disincluding you. ---------------- "Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear" Lacy things, the wife is missin' In the store, there's a teddy I wear a bra when I go to confession When at work, I'm so beguiling ----------- Wishing you Happy Holidays
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------------ HISTORY OF SANTA CLAUS One of the traditions of Christmas is Santa Claus, a contraction for Saint Nicholas, who was born in the 3rd century. He became a bishop in Greece and gained distinction in the councils of the church, being especially famed for unexpected gifts, and later associated with the giving of presents during the season at the end of the year. Many stories are told of his kindness, such as the one of the poor man and his three daughters. To save the daughters from being sold into prostitution for want of doweries, St. Nicholas dropped a bag full of gold down the man's chimney. It landed in one of the stocking the eldest daughter had hung up to dry. Now she could be married.The other two daughters quickly hung up stockings for St. Nicholas to fill with gold, so that they, too, could soon be married. By the way, the three gold globes of the pawn shop are attributed to this story. He seems to have been adopted by the Netherlands as the patron saint of children, and there, on St. Nicholas Eve, they leave their wooden shoes, or sabots, filled with hay for the Saint's white horse. He is real to children the world over, under various names as Kris Kringle, La Befana, Yule Tomten, and Christkindli. In 1809 Washington Irving, under the pen name Diedrich Knickerbocker, wrote 'A History of New York', wherein Saint Nicholas, a jolly personage smoking a Dutch pipe, skimmed over the treetops in a wagon and dropped presents down the chimneys. A few years later, in 1822, Clement C. Moore wrote a poem for his own children which is most often called 'The Night Before Christmas'. Its correct title, however, is 'A Visit from St. Nicholas'. Many are unaware that Moore never once uses the term Santa Claus, although the reindeer are there, a part of the legend undoubtedly developed in America, probably by Scandinavians in the United States. At last, in 1863, Thomas Nast, the cartoonist, drew a picture of Santa Claus pretty much as he is known today. Bill Petro, your friendly neighborhood historian -------------- +
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"GOD JUL"
"BUON ANNO"
"FELIZ NATAL"
"JOYEUX NOEL"
"VESELE VANOCE"
"MELE KALIKIMAKA"
"NODLAG SONA DHUIT"
"BLWYDDYN NEWYDD DDA"
"""""""BOAS FESTAS"""""""
"FELIZ NAVIDAD"
"MERRY CHRISTMAS"
"KALA CHRISTOUGENA"
"VROLIJK KERSTFEEST"
"FROHLICHE WEIHNACHTEN"
"BUON NATALE-GODT NYTAR"
"HUAN YING SHENG TAN CHIEH"
"WESOLYCH SWIAT-SRETAN BOZIC"
"MOADIM LESIMHA-LINKSMU KALEDU"
"HAUSKAA JOULUA-AID SAID MOUBARK"
"""""""'N PRETTIG KERSTMIS"""""""
"ONNZLLISTA UUTTA VUOTTA"
"Z ROZHDESTYOM KHRYSTOVYM"
"NADOLIG LLAWEN-GOTT NYTTSAR"
"FELIC NADAL-GOJAN KRISTNASKON"
"S NOVYM GODOM-FELIZ ANO NUEVO"
"GLEDILEG JOL-NOELINIZ KUTLU OLSUM"
"EEN GELUKKIG NIEUWJAAR-SRETAN BOSIC"
"KRIHSTLINDJA GEZUAR-KALA CHRISTOUGENA"
"SELAMAT HARI NATAL - LAHNINGU NAJU METU"
"""""""SARBATORI FERICITE-BUON ANNO"""""""
"ZORIONEKO GABON-HRISTOS SE RODI"
"BOLDOG KARACSONNY-VESELE VIANOCE "
"MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR"
"ROOMSAID JOULU PUHI -KUNG HO SHENG TEN"
"FELICES PASUAS - EIN GLUCKICHES NEUJAHR"
"PRIECIGUS ZIEMAN SVETKUS SARBATORI VESLLE"
"BONNE ANNEBLWYDDYN NEWYDD DDADRFELIZ NATAL"
"CHU/C MU*`NG GIA/NG SINH VA` NA(M MO*/I VUI VE?"
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----------- > Please sing to the tune of Do Re Mi (from the Sound of Music): ------------ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 14, 1992 My Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 15, 1992 My Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 16, 1992 Dear John, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 17, 1992 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 18, 1992 Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking was beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 19, 1992 Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese-a-laying on my front step. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 20, 1992 John, What's with you and those goddamn birds? 7 swans-a-swimming. What kind of a screwy joke IS this? There is bird crap all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, mister, so stop with those stinking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 21, 1992 OK Buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamned cows, too. Now I've got cowpies on the front lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 22, 1992 Listen Pinhead, What are you - some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing - and Christ, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours yet, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 23, 1992 Hey Asshole, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't even know why I call those sluts ladies - they've been chasing the pipers all night long. The cows have been unable to sleep, and they've got diarrhea, too. My living room is a river of cow dung. The Commission of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give just cause why the entire building shouldn't be condemned. I'm definitely sicking the police on you. One who means it, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Miss Agnes McHolstein December 24, 1992 You Rotten Prick, What's with the 11 Lords-a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead - somehow trampled to death during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your Sworn Enemy, Agnes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Law Offices December 25, 1992 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. If you should ever attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium again, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. In addition, a warrant has been issued for your arrest. Badger, Bender and Cajole ------------ |